Alright. This isn’t easy but it’s easier when not fully sober. Vulnerability at its’ finest, or so one might say or joke. One, two, three… trading perhaps isn’t hard cause people make it. What is hard for me is getting my act together. You want to be a professional trader? Well, maybe I am one already cause that’s what I do. But I don’t make a living. I lose money rather. So I’m a unprofitable professional trader – the famous 90-95% who don’t make it (or 99%?). Great club. It’s cozy. But I’m also starting to get tired of it. I guess being a loser. I used to consider myself a loser in this before around 1,2 years ago but I don’t anymore. I advanced to a level of pussy or a person who’s afraid (no disrespect to female organs obviously). I consider that an advancement because before I really didn’t know where to start. Now I see a direction I need to follow to be profitable. It’s like “the path” or “the right path” Al Pacino was mentioning in Scent of a Woman (1992; 7/10 IMDB FYI @🤓). And he mentions that he knew the right path but he never took it because “it was too damn hard”.
Some words and quotes stick with me for years until I understand why they stick. Because somehow subconsciously the self seems to want to go further and needs fuel. And in my case that fuel in the tank are some things I just remember someone saying for reasons I don’t understand. And now ever since watching this movie yeaaars ago I got what he meant. I know because I knew the path for a profitable trader but I didn’t take it because it was too hard. Too hard or rather too painful and too stressful for me personally to do. It doesn’t have to be of course but that’s the path for me – I guess “hard” can be anything broken down further individually. It’s stressful cause posting trades and the actual execution is stressful – and to the point where I stop trading and I focus on coding (some personal project, a platform to help me visualize some actionable data, get intraday analysis etc.,). Then I start trading and it’s stressful and then maybe I win so it evens out in a way. I can bear stress if I make money. But sooner or later I lose, make a stupid decision and then not only I lose, but I’m also unhappy with myself and of course I’m stressed. So it was at 0 before, and now it’s like -3 negative things. Don’t like that lol. Let me code some more and come back stronger! Problem is that from first principles in a way this just doesn’t make sense to code more. It makes sense if it helps me make better decision but I’m not sure. It would be great to analyze my own trades and break them down? See what losers I have and what to learn from it and see winners too and see what can I learn there. That’s the thing. A losing trade can be a good trade and even better one that was a winning one but just ‘lucky’. I guess my point is that I’m ashamed and angry at myself a bit that I haven’t been doing what I should have been doing – and that’s learning from my own mistakes. Why? Too hard. Too painful watching my own mistakes. But I decided that also enough is enough. I will start analyzing my trades, coding around improving metrics and not be a bitch about it. It feels a bit too hard but what’s even harder is facing myself and being honest. Wish me luck.
